Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What’s the difference between a professional poker player and a large pepperoni pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full house, and four people died.
What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?
In about ten years the dog quits whining.
AK = Anna Kournikova. Always looks Great. Never wins.
Q: What’s the difference between someone who prays in church and a poker player who prays after going all in?
A: The player who plays after going all in really means it.
My Mom’s sister fell asleep during a poker game. I yelled “Auntie Up!”
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
”We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
”I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ”Is it serious?”
”Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. ”Why there are three doctors there already!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
“What was that for?” he asked.
She shouted, “I overheard you talking to your poker buddies about how great Betty and Barbara were the other night!”
The hubby chuckled as he explained the mix-up: “Two weeks ago I won a huge pot with pocket Queens. I called them Betty and Barbara!”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came back to he asked, “What in heavens name was that for?”
She replied………..”Your pocket pair just called.”
1. Ask the dealer her bust size.
2. Tip the dealer with fifty pennies.
3. Tell the guy across from you he looks like your older sister.
4. French kiss your pocket kings, or queens.
5. Ask the dealer, are those your real teeth?
6. Tell the dealer your hundred, year old grandmother could deal better.
7. Ask the dealer, do you wear boxers or briefs?
8. If Toby Mcquire is at your table, don’t tell him spiderman is really a wimp.
9. If a person at your table is constantly crying, don’t offer them a tissue.
10. Stick your chewing gum under
It was a Friday night and my friend Justin decided to have a No-Limit Hold’em tournament at his house. Two of his roommates, Cory and Jamie were there, as well as his friends Ed and myself, Brian. At around 10 p.m., everyone took their seats and the tournament was about to begin. After high-carding for the dealer button, Justin dealt out the first hand.
Everyone started with 60 chips, all of which were the same denomination. The blinds started at 1/2. Justin, first to act, looked down at AK. He raised to 6. Ed, next to act, glances down at KK and re-raised to 15. Cory, Jamie, and I, check our cards and see AQ, AA, and JJ respectively. Cory calls Ed’s 15 chip raise, Jamie goes all-in, and I go all-in as well, followed by surprisingly quick all-in moves by Justin, Ed, and Cory. With nobody wanting to reveal their hands just yet, Justin puts out a flop of As, Kc, Jc. The turn is the Kd, and the river brings the 10c.
The board now looks like this: As, Kc, Jc, Kd, 10c. Unable to contain my excitement any longer, I flip over my pocket Jacks to show a full house, Jacks full of Kings. Justin, re-checking his hand, says “that’s nothing, I’ve got Kings full of Aces”, and reveals his AK. Jamie, still not sure that he believes what he has, turns over his pocket aces and announces, “I have the best full house, Aces full of Kings”.
Jamie, certain that he has won the hand, did not see Ed turn over pocket Kings giving him 4 Kings and what looked like the sure winner. Cory, however, unable to contain himself, slowly turns over the AQ of clubs, giving him the best possible hand, a royal flush. At this point, nobody could understand how this could have happened.
Jamie, now a little suspicious, asks not only to inspect the cards, but also the box that the cards came in. He soon finds the answer. Printed boldly on the box of cards was the word- PINOCHLE.
While a man is playing poker, he sees the ghost of George Washington.
“Washington,” he asks. “How can I win at poker?”
Washington says, “You must never tell a lie.”
The man thinks that is odd, because poker can be all about bluffing, but he follows through, folding on hands when he has nothing. Things don’t go well; in fact, he loses almost all of his chips.
He then sees the ghost of Benjamin Franklin. “What should I do?” The man asked the ghost.
Franklin says, “Be inventive.”
So, the man changes tactics, bluffs on almost every hand, but still loses his shirt. With just one chip left, the man sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
“Abe, ol’ fellow, what should I do?”
Lincoln answers, “Go see a play.”
A guy’s wife drives him over to a casino and tells him to call her when he wants her to pick him up.
Feeling cocky, he sits down at a no limit holdem table with $1,000.
After a couple hours, he’s lost almost half his bankroll. Desperately hoping to double up and walk away, he looks down at pocket Aces. He pushes in all his remaining chips, only to be called by a woman with pocket 8’s who hits a miracle set on the river.
He walks right up to the lady who hit the trips and menacingly asks “Do you have any idea what my wife is gonna do to me when I call and tell her what just happened?”
The woman replies: “no, but if she needs a few tips on how to kick your ______, tell her to give me a call.”
A professional poker player goes into the hospital for some routine tests. An older nurse walks in and they strike up a conversation about poker. While talking she lets him know that she has to shave him down below for the test, and that it is just part of the testing procedures. He agrees, so she starts shaving when she notices a tattoo that says the word ” R U S H ” in a interesting place.
Later she tells her co-worker, a young attractive voluptuous brunette, about the tattoo. The younger nurse is a big fan of poker so she proceeds to explain what the word “RUSH” means in the poker world. After explaining the younger nurse decides that she wants to see this tattoo for herself. She enters the poker players room and tells him that she has some “follow up” work to do and that it will only take a second. She bends over with her voluptuous cleavage showing and fiddles around looking for the tattoo. Afterwards the younger nurse goes back to the older nurse and says, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The guy I saw was a poker player also, but his tattoo said
‘R O Y A L F L U S H’.”
While playing poker in a local poker joint, George an avid player, noticed that in the last few days, one of the players had done extremely well. So well in fact that George felt compelled to approach the old man and ask him what his secret was. The old timer looked at him for a second then said “I’ll tell you, but when you play me you have to fold to me when every time I’m in the pot with you.”
George thinks it over for a while, then reluctantly agrees.
The man says “ first of all see John over there, he scratches his head whenever he is bluffing.”
George says “oh.”
The old man continues “See the man at the end of the table, that’s Jimmy, when he has an ace, his nose flares a little bit. Now, Jeff over there, he always looks down when he has a great hand.”
George says ”wow, thank you.”
They start playing and at the end of the night George is broke. He corners the old timer and exclaims “why did you tell me those lies, I lost all my money.”
The old timer says “I’m sorry, your right I did tell you lies to get you to help me win.”
George says “ well, what was your secret to success then.”
The old timer replies “ I made the same deal with Jimmy, Jeff, and John that I did with you”.